The Adventures of Henry Bemis!
by Santuh Klozzy
Summary: The first ever Henry Bemis fanfiction!
1. Henry Bemis Needs New Glasses

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

I don't own Henry Bemis. I don't own the Moby Dick reference in the title. I certainly don't own hardly any of the characters in this story. Hopefully this story will reach my goal of 7000 chapters. Or maybe not. Just read the story already! PS: This first chapter isn't very long or all that interesting. Who cares?

**Chapter 1. Henry Bemis Needs New Glasses**

No. It wasn't a secret to anyone that Henry Bemis needed new glasses. Of course Henry Bemis was the last man on planet Earth. Yes, mankind had completed its goal of killing itself in a couple hours thanks to those wonderful little things called nuclear weapons. Yet Henry Bemis was alive. Why? Because he was too cool to die, that's why! Actually it was because he was hiding in a bank vault reading and eating stuff when mankind started blowing itself up. Naturally he wandered outside after the bombs had gone off to find a post-apocalyptic wasteland in which he was the only survivor. He got a couch to sleep on, food to eat, and all the books he'd ever need.

But something went terribly wrong.

His glasses broke! And without glasses he was but a shell of a man. A man who could not read or see. In one book he had read, though, before the nuclear disaster, he learned that whenever you need something you could go to a store and find it. Wait a second. Isn't it common knowledge that you can go to a store and buy stuff? Well Henry Bemis didn't get out much, so he didn't know that.

That was his plan.

He would go to a store and find a pair of glasses exactly like his old ones! He would once again reign supreme! So began the long, strange adventures of Henry Bemis. His first adventure, though, would be to get new glasses. Now let us see what Henry is up to…

In Nowhere, USA, Henry Bemis was stumbling through the blown up wreckage of his town. He needed to find a store where they had glasses and contacts! He wandered all over town, confused and alone like he always was. Where was a shop that he could visit to get new glasses? He knew there was one somewhere in the town, but he couldn't find it.

"If I can't find a shop that has glasses, I won't be able to read!" Henry Bemis had a habit of telling himself the obvious. "If I can't read, I won't be happy. When I'm not happy, people die. I'm the only person here, though, so I'd die! I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die!" It was then that Henry Bemis knew he wanted to live. He would not be a soulless man forever wandering this nuclear wasteland! He would be an intelligent, handsome stud who liked to read.

Then he saw it. A majestic structure that rose out of the burnt landscape like a monster rises up out of a murky bog in a horror movie. He could see the letters W-E-S-E-L-L-G-L-A-S-S-E-S-A-N-D-S-T-U-F-F written on a sign that had been blown off the building. This was the store of his dreams! He could surely find an exact replica of his glasses here!

"Yay! I'll have new glasses for everyone to see!" Henry Bemis paused. "Wait a second…I am everyone. Oh well." Henry proceeded into the dark building. There was nothing inside except one big room full of shelves that had glasses and contacts on them. Wait…in the middle of the room was a golden pedestal and on that golden pedestal was a red velvet cushion and on that red velvet cushion was a pair of glasses that looked exactly like his old pair! Though he could not read it because he didn't have any glasses with him, there was a golden plaque with the words "HENRY BEMIS' NEW GLASSES" written on it.

"New glasses for me! Now I can finally read once again!" Mr. Bemis rushed over to the pedestal and took the glasses. He put them on and was pleasantly surprised that they fit perfectly. He could see everything. Even dead people. Dead people?

"EEEK!" Henry Bemis got out of there as fast as he could. Once he was outside he climbed into the nearest vehicle he could get to. That vehicle turned out to be a garbage truck full of trash. That didn't matter and Henry Bemis drove off back to his makeshift shelter.

His home was not very much. It consisted of a couch, an outhouse, and a grill for cooking his food. He also had a broken refrigerator that he kept his food in. He had brought all the books from the public library here and kept them in the non-working refrigerator as well. Anyways, Henry Bemis drove up in his new transportation and parked it. He got out and started shouting and waving his arms about, wildly.

"These glasses are so amazing that they can even see dead people!" He screamed. He didn't want to see dead people! Oh well. If they bothered him he'd make them go away. He had learned how to scare away people in all his years working as a bank teller.

But now he had time to read, and that was what was important. He could read. Or could he? Find out in…

**Chapter 2. Henry Bemis Gets Dyslexia**


	2. Henry Bemis Gets Dyslexia

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

I still don't own Henry Bemis. Wish I did, though. He is the greatest television character of all time! Seriously, they should rename the Henry Doorly Zoo the Henry Bemis Zoo. Also this chapter isn't very long, either. They will get lengthier, though, so be prepared for the time when the chapters start getting 100,000,000 words each.

**Chapter 2. Henry Bemis Gets Dyslexia**

For the next couple days, Henry Bemis was happy. He read whatever book he wanted to read, he went wherever he wanted to go, and he ate whatever he wanted to eat. Sometimes he dared himself to eat strange things, but we won't get onto that subject.

Anyways, all was well for Henry Bemis. He was finally happy. Even though he was still getting creeped out by those dead people.

But something went terribly wrong.

One day, Henry Bemis realized that all of his books looked weird! All the letters were screwed up and made no sense. What was happening to him…or the books?

"Somebody must have taken the books and rearranged the lettering when I was asleep. It must have been a dead person." Henry Bemis was pretty stupid. "I must rearrange the letters!"

So after he cut apart three books in an attempt to put the letters in the right order, Henry Bemis realized maybe something was wrong with him.

"It must be these gosh-darned glasses! They're cursed! I'm going to become an evil monster that kills everything it sees! Nothing's here to kill, though…" Mr. Bemis was confused. What was going to happen to him?

Well he didn't know, and he spent the next couple days trying all sorts of strange remedies. He poked himself in the eyes with various objects, he banged his head against a brick wall, he polished his glasses, he ate foods with names he couldn't pronounce, and he rubbed earwax on his eyelids but nothing would work. He even started cross-dressing. Was there no cure to this…this horrible fate?

"There has to be!" Henry Bemis told himself. "I will keep looking for a cure. I will not succumb to this!"

With those being his words, Henry Bemis set off to find a cure for this disease.

Many days later, Henry Bemis decided that if his vision were messed up, he would fix the problem…permanently. Grabbing a nearby knife and raising it to his face, Henry Bemis prepared to cut out his own eyes!

But something went terribly wrong.

He missed his target and instead of stabbing his eyes out he got the knife stuck in a brick wall. He couldn't get the knife out! Guess he'd have to keep searching for a cure.

And search he did. He searched all over the city. He took all sorts of strange pills and tablets he found lying around the city's hospital. Nothing would work, though. It seemed Henry Bemis was destined to live out his days unable to read.

"It's not fair." He told himself, "First off my glasses break. Then I go through all that work to get new glasses, and then my vision becomes messed up! Will I ever be able to read any books at all?" He did not know.

Yes, it seemed Henry Bemis was out of luck. All that would change, however, in the course of the next couple minutes, as he would soon find out. To find out what happens next, read…..

**Chapter 3. Henry Bemis Cures Dyslexia**


	3. Henry Bemis Cures Dyslexia

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_I don't own Henry Bemis. Seriously. I don't. Just ask him and he'll tell you. Really. He will._

**Chapter 3. Henry Bemis Cures Dyslexia**

Henry Bemis' vision was messed up. He knew it. The dead people knew it. Even the author of the story knew it. Mr. Bemis had tried every medicine, strange ritual and potential cure he could think of but nothing solved the problem.

One day he was sitting around, talking to himself. "I wish I could read properly. Then I'd read how to cure this terrible fate that has befallen me. Woe is me! Oh, woe is-" Then in the distance he heard somebody yell, "Shut up, Bemis!" That scared him enough so that he would be quiet. The dead people got annoyed with him very easily.

"What am I to do? Please, God, send me a sign!" A second later there was a flash of lightning that blew up the ground a couple feet away from him. "Don't kill me! Why do I deserve to die?"

But something went terribly wrong.

The clouds parted and a giant smiley face descended through them. It began to speak. "Henry Bemis you are an idiot and deserve to die. Only one like yourself would think that you could cure this disease! It is impossible. It is a punishment I concocted for you to receive simply because I was pissed off at the fact that you were the only survivor of the nuclear war. I want to see you suffer, simply put." The smiley face thought for a second. "However, I will give you a chance to prove you shouldn't die. Somewhere in this city there is a cure for your illness. If you can find it within three days and three nights I will let you live. If you do not find it, however, you can be assured that I will strike thee with great vengeance!" There was some thunder and another lightning bolt blew up the ground near Henry's feet. "I will place the cure in the city tomorrow morning. You will then have till morning of the fourth day after that to find it." The smiley face flew back up into the clouds, leaving Bemis puzzled.

"So God will put the cure in the city tomorrow morning. Then my three days and three nights start the morning he places the cure. I get it!" Henry Bemis spent the rest of his day eating and wondering where the cure might be located. Soon night came and he went to bed on his couch.

Henry Bemis wasn't aware that God made him oversleep so he woke up at noon. In fact, he wasn't aware of what time it was at all because he could not read the numbers on clocks. Yes, God hated Henry Bemis. The dead people hated Henry Bemis, too. Never had the odds been stacked against him so much.

When Henry did wake up, the smiley face greeted him once again. "Henry Bemis, the time has come. You must find that cure or else you shall die, now away with thee!" The smiley face disappeared once again.

"I'm hungry. I want breakfast." Henry went off and ate a leisurely breakfast. Then he took his morning walk around the ruined neighborhood where he had built his shelter before he realized his mission. "Oh no! I must have just wasted some precious time!" With that, he was off and searching.

Henry searched around the city suburbs for all that day. He looked throughout all the ruined buildings and in yards and in bomb shelters and in streets and in alleys and in outhouses and in the sewers and in septic tanks and in parks and in graveyards but he could not find anything. He had checked his neighborhood and the two neighborhoods bordering it. He had checked all throughout the septic tanks and sewers. He had looked in the small graveyard. He even dug up coffins and looked in them, too! He checked in all the outhouses and bomb shelters he could find. Where was it?

"Well obviously it's not in these rural suburbs. Perhaps tonight I shall look in the city." Henry liked telling himself what he was going to do. He took a break from searching and had some food. Eventually it was nighttime and he set off into the city to search.

In the city he looked in the bank he had worked at and he looked in the glasses store he had visited before. Nothing was in there. He checked in the bank vault he had hidden in and nothing was there. Maybe God was lying and there was no cure.

"This city is so big I can't possibly search all of it in three days!" Mr. Bemis was finally realizing he should feel discouraged. "I better keep searching, though." So he kept searching all night and well into the next day. He checked all throughout the slums and the poor parts of town. For the rest of the second day he checked the metro and even more sewers. During the night he looked all over a couple more neighborhoods and in a bit more of the city.

Finally, it was the dawn of the last day and still nothing. Henry Bemis was going to die and there was nothing he could do about it. He asked all the dead people he met but they had not seen the cure to his disease. He checked all over the city but he could not find it. It was the last night before he would be struck dead, now.

Despairing, Henry went back to his shelter to wait for the end to come. He ate his final meal and read a couple picture books. Then he sat down on the couch and waited.

But something went terribly wrong.

Just minutes before sunrise and his certain death, Henry got hungry for some cookie dough ice cream. He got up and went to his broken down refrigerator to get some. When he opened up the refrigerator he saw something that had not been in there before: A giant red and blue pill labeled "HENRY BEMIS' CURE" that was sitting next to the cookie dough. He pulled it out and started eating. It was so big he had to take three huge mouthfuls before it was all gone. He looked at the sky and saw that the sun was rising.

He sat back down on his couch as the sun rose up and the smiley face descended through the clouds, laughing. "Henry Bemis! You are going to die!" God was awfully mean for being so divine.

"But I found the cure! You can't kill me now!" He wondered if God cared. God didn't.

"Henry Bemis I am going to kill you anyways because I don't like you. Then you will have to scrub toilets in heaven for the rest of eternity!" The divine smiley face spit a lightning bolt at him. Henry did not have time to duck, but it did not matter. The lightning bolt hit his glasses, which he had polished the night before and they were so shiny and reflective that it bounced off of them. The lightning bolt zoomed back towards God.

"Oh crap!" Was all God could say before the lightning bolt split the smiley face in half. There was a huge explosion and bits of God were sent all over the place. Henry Bemis found himself jumping with joy.

"I'm not dead! And look, look! I can read again!" He held up a book and managed to read the title. It was called "God Just Died" and was about anti-religious people planning to blow up some stuff. Apparently it was a mystery and suspense novel set in the Wild West. It had a car chase in it. How quaint.

But something went terribly wrong.

Out of nowhere, a strange man appeared in front of Henry Bemis. He said "Henry Bemis. I have come to deliver a message of the greatest importance to thee!" Then the weird man got into a fit of coughing.

Read more about this subject in…

**Chapter 4. Henry Bemis Meets Santuh Klozzy**


	4. Henry Bemis Meets Santuh Klozzy

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_I don't own Henry Bemis, yet. I do own Santuh Klozzy. I AM Santuh Klozzy. Do I own myself? I'm not sure. I should hope I do. Okay haters, read this._

**Chapter 4. Henry Bemis Meets Santuh Klozzy**

Henry Bemis stared at the strange being before him. What strange and fantastic creature was this? He wasn't sure. It was pretty weird, though. He was big, tall and kind of stocky, kind of like Santa Clause. It was also wearing Santa Clause's clothing! It had the red hat and the big black boots and the funny red costume and gloves and everything! Instead of being balding though, the funny little man had dreadlocks. Long, dark dreadlocks! They looked like long, yummy pieces of black licorice. Also, the dude was wearing a gasmask. Henry Bemis wasn't sure why it had a gasmask, but he figured it was there for a good reason. The Santa Clause rip-off was carrying a black sack with a biohazard symbol on it. Behind him was his ride: a black sleigh with flame graphics down the sides of it. Hitched up to this were thirteen caribou. Each caribou was wearing a Santa hat as well.

"What are you?" Henry looked at the weird person standing in front of him.

"I…" the Santa Clause imposer said, "…am the author of this story! I have come to tell you what your purpose in life is, why the words 'The Whale' are in the title, and what exactly is going on. Now come with me and I'll tell you some crap." The Santa walked back to his sleigh and sat down in it. Henry followed and the Santa turned on a stereo in the sleigh and Nine Inch Nails came roaring out of the speakers. Then the Santa started toying with the sleigh's hydraulics. He kept doing this for a while before he finally yelled at the caribou to take off and they did. Santa pressed a button and a glass shield came over the top of the sleigh. He turned off Nine Inch Nails and began talking. "I'm not sure if you know this or not, but my name's Santuh Klozzy. Your name is Henry Bemis, I presume?" Henry nodded.

"What were you saying about 'The Whale' or whatever?" Henry looked around. He saw there was a small mini-refrigerator built into the sleigh. He opened it and saw the only drink in there were cans of Mountain Dew. He took one out, realizing how thirsty he was. He had not been drinking very much water lately, and as a result his body wasn't happy. Then he noticed a glove compartment and opened it up. Inside there were several bent and torn papers with various plot outlines and character sketches. There were also several bags of black licorice. There were also bags of beef jerky. How awesome was that? Henry took a couple sticks of beef jerky and began eating them.

"Well, umm…The Whale, right. It just so happens that I was reading a copy of Moby Dick when I started typing this, umm…thing. Then I uh…saw that the title was 'Moby-Dick, or The Whale' and I just figured that would be a cool title." Henry looked at Santuh Klozzy.

"What? What about titles?" Henry looked around and kept drinking his Mountain Dew.

"Well, nothing. Really…I mean, uh, yeah. Anyways, I also have to tell you about what's going on. Well here it is: after the nuclear war, all of Earth was destroyed. You weren't supposed to survive, but your bookwormishness, if that's a word, kept you alive. Then things got worse. God decided that you shouldn't be able to do anything stupid, so he made your glasses break. Once again, though, your bookwormishness showed you a way and you got new glasses. Finally God gave you dyslexia, hoping that you wouldn't be able to find a cure for it. He knew that he had to be fair, though, because he was omnipotent so he granted you three days and three nights to find a cure. You did and God decided he'd just kill you and say judgment had come early. However, your glasses deflected some lightning and you ended up killing God. What a twist of fate, huh? Now you've ticked off a lot of people. You killed God, you are the sole survivor of a nuclear war…everybody is going to be a bit unfriendly towards you, now. I mean, you overcame God and the Twilight Zone writers and now you're trapped here. So I'm here to tell you that you have to watch your back from now on. A whole bunch of people are going to be gunning for you, Mr. Bemis. I'd be careful if I were you. Moving on, I have to tell you your purpose in life now. All I have to say is one thing: Henry Bemis, you are the only person left in the world. Nobody else is alive. There might be a few animals here or there, but no living, breathing human is still here. There are the dead people, but they don't count because they're just annoying people. Anyways, they won't bother you from now on. I'll make sure of it…so be prepared because nobody will be left anymore. You will be absolutely and completely alone. So my point is…do whatever you want. Nobody's going to stop you. Read every book in the world, build your own robot, start a new religion…I don't care. The world's your playground of destruction. Go out and play."

"I'm not a very destructive person, though. I just want to read in peace!" Henry didn't want to destroy things!

"Well, okay. Still…it's up to you what happens to the world. Let me give you a few pointers on things to do. First of all: move out of where you're living right now. Get a new wardrobe. Have fun and remember that there is no daddy to take the T-Bird away."

"You must be kidding! The world is so huge…how could I be able to explore and do everything there is to do in it in my lifetime?" An imposing task, indeed.

"Remember that you have your whole life to figure that out! And if you can't fit all those things into one lifetime, just discover the secret of immortality. Come on, I'll drop you off at your pad and you can get whatever stuff you need before you move out of your town." Henry didn't want to move! He liked his little, quiet town!

"Wow…so much time. Time enough at last…but surely you're not serious, I mean, is there a secret to immortality?" Santuh Klozzy turned his head to Bemis as they landed next to Henry Bemis' small shelter. Henry knew that behind that dark, foreboding gasmask there was a serious expression on Santuh Klozzy's face.

"There is a secret to immortality. You're just going to have to find it." Henry climbed out of the sleigh, but Santuh Klozzy had one more thing to say. "Oh…and don't call me Shirley." With that, he turned on Nine Inch Nails again and cranked up the volume. The sleigh took off into the sunny sky. Henry knew that he better do as Klozzy suggested. Maybe it would be better if he did move. After all, the world was so big he must be able to find somewhere interesting to live!

But something went terribly wrong.

As Henry Bemis packed his food and books, he noticed that the dead people were all gone. No more ghosts or zombies wandering the streets. He was alone. He was Henry Bemis, the last man on Planet Earth. Or should he say, Planet Bemis!

Read on in…

**Chapter 5. Henry Bemis Gets Lost**


	5. Henry Bemis Gets Lost

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_Henry Bemis and his adventures are about to get a whole lot weirder. All sorts of confusing crap is going to happen in the next 6,995 chapters so be ready for when it gets naughty. Freaky naughty._

**Chapter 5. Henry Bemis Gets Lost**

Henry Bemis was done packing. He had packed all the cookie dough and water bottles he'd need. He had packed every book he had. He had gotten a glasses repair kit, a blanket, a watch and some extra clothing, too. Henry also packed some expensive cigars and fine wines, just in case of emergency. He found an umbrella and a pair of clip-on sunglasses to wear. Henry got a pair of hiking boots and a rain poncho in case he came across rough weather. He was ready for whatever Mother Nature or anybody else threw at him.

"Well, I'm ready! Now I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go…but there has to be some interesting place I can move to!" Henry picked up a road atlas of the USA and looked at it. "I am here right here. This town called Nowhere, USA. Where could I go…" Henry looked at New York City, San Francisco, Chicago, Detroit and any other big city he could think of. Then he looked at all the small, unknown towns nobody had heard of. Then he looked at several landmarks and historical cities he could go to. There were so many cool places to go.

But something went terribly wrong.

Henry dropped the road atlas! It landed on a pile of droppings that Santuh Klozzy's caribou had left when his sleigh had been parked there! Now Henry Bemis couldn't read a road atlas with caribou droppings on it!

"Well that isn't good!" Henry sighed and turned his back to the road atlas. He decided he'd just start walking and stop in the next livable town he came across…if there were any left.

It was late at night when Henry left the town for good. He waved goodbye to it and then turned his back on his old home of Nowhere, USA. He was sad about leaving, though because there were some large, creepy woods that surrounded the town. He'd have to make his way through the forest before he could really begin searching for a new town. So he went into the woods.

The big, dark forest was eerie. There was constantly a thick layer of fog on the ground, and all the trees were gnarled and dark. The canopy of leaves and pinecones and branches shut out all light, so Henry Bemis couldn't read his books! He couldn't wait until he was out of that forest so he could start reading books again. There were ponds full of plants and little insects and creepy crawly things, and there were creeks full of sharp rocks and weird animals that goggled at him.

"I have never, ever read of somewhere as strange and as foreboding as these woods! I sure hope it isn't too much longer until the end of all this." Henry didn't know that he was only about a ten-minute long walk to the end of the forest.

But something went terribly wrong.

Somehow, as he was walking, Henry Bemis passed a big gnarled tree that was shaped like a giant hand giving a thumbs-up. Later, he passed a tree that looked like it was the same tree!

"That sure is funny. How could I pass the same tree twice? I've been walking in a straight line! I must get to the bottom of this." So Henry turned and walked further back into the woods, away from the end. He didn't know that mere feet from where he was there was the end of the woods.

But something went terribly wrong.

Henry Bemis walked a long ways backwards to find the thumbs-up tree but he could not find it again. Where was the tree? It was nowhere to be found by Henry Bemis.

"Now where did that tree go? What is going on?" Henry looked around and saw he was by a smelly pool of mud and old water. A lizard was swimming around in the middle of it, probably laughing at him. Henry did not recognize this pond; he had not seen it before in his journey through the woods. Then the obvious hit him like a brick. "I'm lost! Oh no!" Henry fell to his knees. "What shall I do? I am so lost it isn't even funny!"

But something went terribly wrong.

The lizard in the pond jumped out onto the ground and scurried over to him! Once it got up right next to him it jumped up onto his shoulder and started biting Henry Bemis' ear! Screaming, Henry got up and started running.

"Ow! Stop that! No…!" The lizard climbed onto his face, now. It was biting his nose, now. It really, really hurt and Henry wanted him to stop.

So Henry and his attacker bumped and stumbled their way all over the dark woods. Henry ran into trees, fell down in creeks and rivers, got stuck in mud and stumbled and slipped on rocks. All this time, the lizard attacker was biting his face open. Henry kept trying to pry it off but the little bugger wouldn't budge. Instead it just held on tighter.

"How will I-ouch-get this lizard off my-ouch-face! I must stay-ouch-calm! Try to think, OUCH!" The lizard bit onto his tongue and was now just dangling there.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooo!" Henry hit another tree and fell to the ground, exhausted with all the running he had been doing. Soon, despite the lizard chewing up his tongue, Henry fell fast asleep. He was so tired. The poor little baby had worn himself all out by running so much! He was so cute, sleeping there. Aww……….

When Henry Bemis woke up, he saw that he was in a cave! Had someone saved him? The answer was no for Henry Bemis. Around him, in the cave, he saw that about a dozen or so lizards like the one biting his tongue had gathered. They had a large pot full of boiling water! There was one lizard that had a big spoon and was stirring the pot. The other lizards were sitting around with knives and forks, waiting for dinner.

"Are you going to eat me?" The spoon lizard nodded. "You can't, though! I'm…I'm not eatable! Edible! Did you know that eatable is actually a word?" The spoon lizard nodded again. "I'm the last man alive in the world! I don't want to be eaten by lizards!" The spoon lizard kept stirring. Then it motioned towards two lizards with tiny swords and shields. They started poking Mr. Bemis, forcing him towards the boiling water. Henry looked around, hoping there would be a way out. Sadly, there was none for him.

To see if or when Henry Bemis is cooked and eaten, read…

**Chapter 6. Henry Bemis and The Lizardmen**


	6. Henry Bemis and the Lizardmen

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_Henry Bemis combating lizards? Trust me, this isn't the weirdest thing that'll happen. This isn't even close to the weirdest thing that'll happen. Oh well…let's see what Bemis is up to now._

**Chapter 6. Henry Bemis and The Lizardmen**

Well, Henry Bemis was about to get thrown into a big pot full of boiling water where he would be cooked and then eaten by the lizard people. He couldn't let this happen to him. Henry saw his backpack and remembered that he had brought a spoon with him so he could eat his cookie dough. If he could get to his backpack he could get his spoon and fight off these lizardmen!

"You'll never take me alive!" Henry picked up one of the two lizards with the swords and shields and threw him against a wall. He kicked the other one across the room, where it hit a wall and went splat. Henry saw that there were thirteen more lizards: twelve waiting to be fed and one standing on the rim of the giant pot. Henry dashed to his backpack, letting out a war cry.

"Weooweoooweoeoooweoowoooooweeoooooooooooowwwweeeeeeeeeeeooooo!" He picked up his backpack and put it on his back. Then he pulled out a large, metal spoon from a little pouch on it. He turned to all the lizards. "Who wants some?"

But something went terribly wrong.

All the lizards started running at him, waving their knives and forks in the air! Henry raised his spoon and blocked a knife that came swiping at him. He kicked that lizard and sent it into the cave wall. Henry looked around and saw that on the opposite side of the room, there was a small passage leading out. He turned around and blocked a fork and a knife at the same time with his spoon, which was much larger. He grabbed one lizard, threw him into the air, and as he came down he batted him threw the air and into the lizard cook standing by the pot. This sent both of them tumbling off the pot and onto the ground. Brandishing his spoon, the cook ran towards Mr. Bemis. Henry fought him back a little ways before sending three more lizards flying with one swing of his spoon. Two of those lizards survived and ran back towards him. He hit one on the top of the head so hard that he pushed it into the ground, and the other one he fell on after another lizard tripped him up. So now there was Henry Bemis and seven bloodthirsty reptiles engaged in mortal combat. Mr. Bemis grabbed the lizard that had tripped him and threw him into the air. He batted this lizard and sent it flying into the passage leading out of the cave. So now there were six lizards left. Henry Bemis picked up two of them and bashed them together. Then he threw the dead lizards to the ground and started in a spoon duel with the cook. They fought all around the room before the four remaining lizards surrounded Henry and started poking at his knees and legs with their silverware. Henry kicked one of them into the pot and almost knocked it over. The lizard got up but Henry Bemis booted it into the pot again. Now he easily won over another lizard when it and him started exchanging fisticuffs. He punched it dead and turned his attention to the remaining two lizards. The cook stabbed at him with its spoon but he dodged the attempt and the cook ended up impaling the other lizard. Now the cook was the only one left. They fought up and onto the rim of the pot in a long, epic battle. There was slicing and stabbing and spooning and boiling water. Then Henry gained the upper hand after the cook's spoon was knocked into the boiling water. With one swift strike, Henry tripped the cook with his spoon and sent him into the water. The lizard was quickly boiled and drowned at the same time. Henry had successfully fought off two lizard swordsmen, a cook, and twelve hungry, hungry lizardmen. All in all, he felt pretty good. His legs stung from all the poking from the knives and forks, though.

"I'm surprised those lizards haven't taken over the world, yet! They sure are mean!" Henry looked around and started walking towards the cave's exit. He kept his spoon out, just in case. He got into the passageway and found his way up to the surface. When he got out he saw that he was still in the dark woods.

"This is just great. I'm still lost!" Henry knew he had to start looking for a way out of the woods. Complaining to himself wouldn't do any good. So Henry Bemis began looking, once again, for the end of the woods.

It's not quite over for Henry Bemis, though…see what happens next in…

**Chapter 7. Henry Bemis Is Chased!**


	7. Henry Bemis Gets Chased

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_Well, as the title of this chapter suggests, there is going to be some running in this chapter. So if you have a morbid fear of movement, this chapter may not be for you. Yes, that was a feeble, half-hearted attempt at some humor._

**Chapter 7. Henry Bemis Is Chased!**

Well, Henry Bemis was once again lost in the woods. He was wandering around aimlessly for quite a while before he stumbled upon a group of lizardmen! Instead of the fourteen hungry, hungry lizards in the cave, though, there were only three of these lizards. They were armed with dart guns! They saw Henry Bemis and knew that they should kill him and eat him for dinner, because they hadn't eaten in so many days. So what did they do? They started chasing Henry through the forest!

"Not again. I hate being attacked by lizards! Just leave me alone!" Henry stumbled over some big rocks and ran into a tree. The lizards lined up and shot a couple poisonous darts at him. He ran out of the way and the darts got stuck in the tree. Henry kept running, with the lizards right behind him.

So they kept this up for what must have been five or ten minutes. They chased Henry past creeks and ponds and trees and rocks and dirt and caves and more creeks and more ponds and more trees and more rocks and more dirt and more caves and they chased him past these things all over again. To Henry Bemis it seemed that this would never stop. They had to run out of darts someday, though, didn't they? Henry hoped so.

But something went terribly wrong.

The lizards called for reinforcements and soon ten hungry, hungry lizards were pursuing Henry Bemis. All of them had dart guns! Would it ever stop? No, it wouldn't. So Henry spent another ten or fifteen minutes being chased by these lizards. Eventually more reinforcements showed up and now there were nineteen hungry, hungry lizards chasing Henry! He was really getting tired and knew he'd have to stop eventually. Did any of the lizards get tired at all? Nope. Just like the Energizer Bunny, they kept going and going and going and going and going and going.

"Will you just leave me alone?" Henry couldn't really talk very well because he was so tired from running. "What did I do to you? Nothing! So please…just leave me alone!" Henry Bemis almost felt like giving up then and there and letting them fill him with all sorts of poisonous darts.

Then something went terribly wrong.

More reinforcements came! More! Now there must have been at least thirty hungry, hungry lizards following Henry Bemis through the eerie woods. Thirty dart guns were shooting at him and thirty lizards were running after him. Henry kept running, though and managed to survive another three minutes. Then more reinforcements came and the army doubled, no, tripled in size! There had to be about ninety hungry, hungry lizards chasing after him! No way could he survive!

But he did anyways.

After a bit, the entire lizard population must have been chasing him. They were everywhere: in trees, swimming down streams, running after him…then a spark came to Henry Bemis and using his vast knowledge he thought up a way to get rid of all of the lizards.

Taking off his backpack, he pulled out one of the expensive cigars he had packed. Still running, he took out a match as well. He lit it up and started the cigar. Now he pulled out a bottle of wine he had taken with him and opened it. He grabbed an extra sock he had packed and stuffed it into the top of the wine bottle. He held the cigar next to the sock and started it on fire. Then he threw the Bemis cocktail behind him and it smashed, creating a large fiery spot in the middle of the lizards. They scattered momentarily, giving Mr. Bemis enough time to pull out another wine bottle and another extra sock. He put the sock in the wine bottle and lit it on fire with the cigar. Then he threw it back and it landed in the front of the lizardman army. It created a wall of fire that the lizardmen were trapped behind. So they stood around on the other side of the fire, not realizing they could simply walk around it.

"Yes! I have escaped from the lizards!" Henry Bemis laughed to himself as he kept running. It would be a long time before the lizardmen got around the fire. The good thing though, was that Henry finally came out of the forest just now and into daylight. He was exhausted and beat up but he had escaped from that evil forest. Now he could continue on and find a town suitable to live in. With thoughts of where he could possibly settle, Henry Bemis set off looking for adventure.

To see what happens next, you're going to have to read…

**Chapter 8. Henry Bemis Interprets His Dreams**


	8. Henry Bemis Interprets His Dreams

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_I don't know where the idea for this chapter came from. It's a really weird idea, but I figured Henry Bemis needed something to do._

**Chapter 8. Henry Bemis Interprets His Dreams**

It was several days after Henry Bemis had braved the dark, spooky woods and he was now in the middle of nowhere. There were rolling plains and big fields all around him, and he was walking down the only road in sight. The road was a long, dirt road with a couple broken down cars sitting around it. After enough walking, though, Henry Bemis came to an intersection where another road crossed with the road he was on. There were four signposts. The first one read "Nowhere, USA: South" and pointed directly behind him. The next one said "Washington, D.C.: East" and pointed to the right of him. The next signpost was "Willoughby, USA: West" and pointed to his left. The last one said "The Frozen Place, Canada: North" and pointed directly in front of him. Obviously he did not want to go back to Nowhere, USA. He had heard of the town of Willoughby, but the only thing he knew about it was that it was in an episode of some TV show called _The Twilight Zone _but that's all he knew. He had never, ever heard of The Frozen Place, probably because it was Canadian. As for Washington D.C., he knew where that was but he had never been there. So where did he go?

"North, south, east or west? I don't know. I'll sleep on it!" Henry Bemis suddenly felt very drowsy. So he went to bed.

But something went terribly wrong.

During his sleep, he dreamed that he was following the road back to Nowhere, USA. In his dream he walked the long ways back to the forest. Once he got to the forest, however, lizards attacked him. He ran through the forest and came out in Nowhere. The lizards followed him into the city, though! He was hunted by a huge army of lizards that did not stop until they found him hiding in a bathroom stall. When they did find him in his dream, they speared him and put him over a fire. They cooked him and cut him apart and ate him! Oh no!

"Oh no! Nooooo!" Henry woke with a start. Good thing that dream hadn't been true or else he would be in serious trouble. "Thank God that was only a dream." Henry looked at the sky and thought about how God was dead. "I mean…sorry." Henry Bemis was afraid. "Well I suppose I shouldn't go back to Nowhere. It would probably be very bad if I did. I better get some sleep…" Henry closed his eyes again. He knew that he was at least not going back to his little city.

But something went terribly wrong.

In his next dream, he was following the road to The Frozen Place. He kept following the road until eventually it started snowing. The light snowstorm became a blizzard. That blizzard became the storm of the century. That storm of the century became a huge swirling cloud of death that froze everything it touched. Henry Bemis was in the middle of this storm, an icy Popsicle. He never thawed out and was forced to stay there forever, a frozen Bemis that was perfectly preserved in a block of ice. As for the storm, it raged on and on and destroyed what was left of the world. Henry realized he didn't want to go up north. Then he woke with a start.

"Wow! That is so crazy! I better not go up north or I'll be caught in a huge storm that will freeze me into a chunk of ice." Henry was scared even more. "I guess I should try to get a bit more sleep, now. I wish these dreams would stop happening to me!" So Henry dozed off to sleep.

But something went terribly wrong.

In this new dream, Henry was standing next to the White House. Everything was deserted and quiet. So Henry was just standing around not doing anything until he noticed that the White House wasn't white…it was gray! This made Henry Bemis very upset, because everybody had always told him the White House was white. This wasn't white…this was gray and he didn't like gray houses. He liked white houses!

"What?" Henry sat up, wide-awake. "No way! I'm not going to go somewhere where the White House is gray! Because that would mean that it's the Gray House, and who cares about the Gray House?" Mr. Bemis looked around and sighed. None of these dreams were being very helpful.

Finally, Henry Bemis tried getting back to sleep for the fourth time. Hopefully he wouldn't have any more weird dreams about faraway cities.

But something went terribly wrong.

"Where am I?" Henry knew he was dreaming, but where was he in his dream? He was in a small little town that looked very old. The buildings looked they had been made years and years ago. Nobody was wandering around the town, but at the same time none of the buildings had been blown up. Could it be a ghost town?

"This must be Willoughby! That one town from _The Twilight Zone_ television series!" Henry saw that there were houses and a park and a river and stores and a train station and everything else he could wish for. There was even a library in this town!

Pleased with what Willoughby looked like, Henry started to wander around. The sky was bluer than the water in some toilets he had seen once. The grass was green like cucumbers, too. The water in the river was cool and clear and awesome.

"This town is great! It doesn't have a Gray House, and it isn't freezing cold and there aren't evil lizards running around! In fact…I'd say there's nothing bad at all in this little town!" Henry Bemis knew that Willoughby was the place for him.

But something went terribly wrong.

Henry Bemis woke up! He woke up and realized he was not in quiet Willoughby; he was still at that crossroads he had stopped at.

"Well I guess Willoughby it is, then!" Henry Bemis got to his feet and shook off his grogginess. Then he started walking to the West. To Willoughby!

You know what I'm going to say. Read on in…

**Chapter 9. Henry Bemis Stops at Willoughby**


	9. Henry Bemis Stops at Willoughby

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_All aboard the Bemis train! It is time for Henry Bemis to visit the town of Willoughby………only in the Bemis Zone._

**Chapter 9. Henry Bemis Stops at Willoughby**

It was many days after Henry Bemis came to the crossroads in the middle of nowhere. He had slept for a while and dreamed about the places he could go to. Eventually, he had chosen the town of Willoughby because it was the one place where something terrible wasn't happening or going to happen…but how did Henry really know this? He didn't. So he followed the long, dirt road towards Willoughby!

"Wow. This is such a nice road!" Henry said to himself as he walked along. Nice blue streams and even nicer green grass surrounded the road. It was so nice that Henry stopped to eat all the grass that he wanted. Then accidents happened in the dark. Well, not really. After Henry had eaten all the 'grass' he wanted, he moved on down the road.

The load was long and lead past several more streams and pleasant meadows. It was so beautiful.

But something went terribly wrong.

Henry came to a field that was littered with trash! Pop cans, old tires, severed heads, mannequins, rundown cars, lamps, pogo sticks, calendars, milk jugs, various guns, newspapers, CD cases, shoes, Mardi Gras masks, porn magazines, and bottles of lotion.

Standing in the center of this field was a lone Indian chief.

Henry watched in disbelief as the Indian chief cried a single tear. Then Henry Bemis blinked and the Indian was gone. So was the field covered with trash.

"What the what?" Henry shook his head. He stopped there and started looking through his books, trying to find an explanation for this strange phenomenon. He couldn't find any, though so Henry Bemis moved on down the road.

Eventually it was nightfall. The sun went down and Henry was all alone. That was okay because he had his books. As he wandered, alone and at night, Henry picked up a magazine that had gone tumbleweed style on everybody's asses and blown across the road.

The main article's title read _World Stabilization Crumbles, God Passes Away and Henry Bemis is the ONLY SURVIVOR: What is our planet coming to?_ Henry didn't read the article because it was scary for some reason.

After a bit, Henry finally came to a sign saying "Welcome to Willoughby, USA" that pointed to a small, very old town.

"I bet this town is older than me!" Henry looked around. There was a big, green park with all the 'grass' you could eat. There were shops and houses and a library.

But something went terribly wrong.

Wait…no! Nothing went terribly wrong! The library had a bunch of books Henry had never, ever seen before!

"How amazing is that? This place is perfect. Nothing is blown up, there's plenty of grass and books galore!" Henry Bemis sat down to read.

But something was about to go terribly wrong.

To find out what goes wrong, read…

**Chapter 10. Henry Bemis Shoots to Kill**


	10. Henry Bemis Shoots to Kill

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_This is the first double-digit chapter! Wahoo! Now just remember this: Henry Bemis shoots to kill. He does not shoot to wound._

**Chapter 10. Henry Bemis Shoots to Kill**

Henry Bemis had spent a couple days wandering around Willoughby, exploring. It was very nice. He had moved into Willoughby's nice library. The outside looked like any other library: There was a long set of stairs leading up to a pair of double-doors that lead inside. There were some lion statues and the whole building looked like it was made out of marble. There were a couple windows that were very high up. The entire building looked like it was made out of marble. Inside, it was one big room full of a bunch of bookshelves and tables that you could sit at and read. There were also magazines, newspapers and pamphlets on a bunch of racks at the back of the room. There was only one door leading into the big building, so Henry could not be jumped by anybody strange. There was also a bathroom. But this was no ordinary bathroom: The water in the toilets was perfumed, and the entire bathroom was made out of pure gold with diamond faucets and Persian rugs. The rolls of toilet paper never ended, either! They just kept going, and going and going…the water was soft and warm and the soap smelled like roses. It was quite something. Henry Bemis wondered why somebody would put that much money into a public library's bathroom.

"All in all, I like this town. I think tomorrow I'll go find some food at one of the stores on Main Street." Henry stretched out on a bed he had found in a house and transported in here. There was everything he needed in this library. He set his glasses on a nearby table and curled up. It had been a long day, setting up his new home in this library. Henry Bemis was tired.

A minute later, the sky flashed and thunder boomed. A heavy rain started pouring down onto the town of Willoughby.

"Oh dang it! How can I get to sleep now?" The rain kept pouring, harder and harder. Henry Bemis sat up and put on his glasses. He jumped off his bed and started wandering around. More lightning and thunder appeared and sounded over Willoughby. "Could this get any louder? Come on…give me a break!" Henry shouted at no one in particular. The lightning just became brighter and the thunder became louder. The rain kept pouring down incredibly hard. Then there was a crashing sound from deep inside the library, making Henry jumped.

"What was THAT?" Mr. Bemis looked up and down the dark rows of bookshelves, but he could not see anything. The only light in the library came from the frequent lightning. Trying to make himself feel better, Henry Bemis turned on the main lighting and the big room became much more friendly. "I guess it was nothing. Maybe a sign or a tree knocked against the outside of the library." Henry sat down uneasily at a table and started reading a book. It was an interesting book. It even gave detailed instructions on how to make a potato gun! A potato gun was just a long barrel and a switch that you could put potatoes in and fire out. Henry looked up and down the list of things he needed and knew he could build it easily. After all, Henry Bemis needed some type of entertainment aside from books.

"Should I go out now and find the supplies or should I wait till morning?" There was some more really loud thunder, making Henry jump. "I'll do it tonight, to pass the time away!" Henry pulled a flashlight out of his backpack and made sure it still worked. Then he got out a rain poncho he had packed and put it on. Then he also took out an umbrella just to be careful.

Henry Bemis turned off the lights and closed his backpack. He made sure all the windows were closed. Then he opened the front door to the library and walked out into the storm. Henry made extra sure to close the door and make sure it was good and closed. Then he walked down the big, slippery staircase into the street below.

Once he got to the street, Henry kept his head down and started walking towards the grocery store. He needed potatoes, first of all.

So the next hour passed with Henry Bemis, a bookish little man who needed some entertainment, running between shops, getting cardboard and starting fluid and potatoes and string and anything else he thought he'd need for a potato gun. The storm kept getting worse and worse, and the night kept getting darker and darker.

After he had gotten some string from a textiles and clothing shop, Henry looked at his materials: He had several tubes and pieces of cardboard and plywood. He had starting fluid and lighting fluid and any other type of 'fluid' he could think of. There was several rolls of string, and a plastic switch he had found in a dumpster. He had gotten several sacks of potatoes and there were also other assorted materials he had managed to find somehow.

"This is good! I've got everything for my potato gun…now time to go back to my cozy library!" Henry Bemis started on his way back to the library. He managed to find it very quickly and started up the stairs towards the front set of doors. Mr. Bemis reached the doors without anything bad happening.

But something went terribly wrong.

"Why is this door open? I know I closed it when I left. I guess the wind must have blown it open!" Henry shuffled inside and dropped his umbrella and supplies on a table. Then he turned back and turned on the lights and closed the door to the library, locking it this time. The library was very cold, so Henry Bemis kept on his rain poncho for a bit of extra warmth. He saw that the clock on the wall said the time was 10:50. It was much earlier than Mr. Bemis had thought.

"Time to get to work. This potato gun can provide me with hours of safe, clean fun!" Henry cheerfully flipped open his book and started reading the instructions on how to build a potato gun. So, Henry Bemis got to work.

So a long, long time passed before he finished the gun. After a long time of intense, backbreaking work, Henry sat back and first looked at the clock, which said the time was 12:01. Then Henry Bemis looked at his masterpiece. It was a long, white barrel with a plastic switch he could flip back and forth to fire. It was wide enough to fit an entire potato or similarly sized object into the barrel. Perfection!

But something went terribly wrong.

The lights went out. In a blink of an eye, they just disappeared. Darkness.

"Oh no! Not the power!" Henry stood up and remembered his gun. He picked it up and shoved a potato into the barrel. Clutching his new weapon to his chest, Henry Bemis made his way over to the light switch. He flicked it a couple times but the lights did not come on. He was in the dark.

"The circuit breaker must have been damaged by something. I guess I'll have to go take a look at it." Reluctantly, Mr. Bemis opened the door to the library again and stepped out into the storm. He went down the stairs and then around to the back of the library. Henry looked at the circuit breaker box, just to find that it had been… "Ripped open? How could it be ripped open?" Henry groaned and saw that several wires had been broken as well. There was no way he could fix this now, so Henry started walking back towards the front of the library.

"I guess I'll have to go without power and then try to look at it again tomorrow." Still clutching his gun, Henry came to the staircase at the front of the library but stopped. Across the street he saw something! "What is that?" Henry peered through the darkness and sure enough, something was moving. The dark shape was moving around on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. Then it disappeared into one of the many stores.

Even though Henry Bemis had seen many strange things in his life, nothing was as creepy as that figure moving around. He was the only person left in the world, so what could it be?

"My Bemis sense tells me that I should go back inside. I agree with it!" Henry dashed up the staircase to the front doors of the library. Maybe it was just a piece of trash being blown around in the wind.

But when Henry Bemis reached the front door, he saw it was once again open. This was funny; as he had shut it before he left to check out the circuit breaker…then he saw it.

Through the open door, Henry could see that his bed had been turned over and his backpack thrown around! There were also wet footprints leading into the library.

"So does this mean I'm not the only person still alive?" Henry looked around, scared to think that maybe everybody else was really alive and they were watching him and laughing. "Maybe it's just a wild animal like a bear or wolf. I suppose I have to check it out." Raising his potato gun, Henry Bemis cautiously stepped into the dark library. "Hello? Anybody there?" In the dark he could hear wet feet thumping on the carpet. Henry Bemis looked up an aisle between bookshelves but he couldn't see anything. Then there was a flash of lightning and something at the end of the aisle moved!

Henry Bemis jumped so high he really thought he'd hit his head on the ceiling.

"What was that!" Grasping the potato gun, Henry dashed off towards the end of the aisle, screaming. When he got there he was disappointed because nobody was standing around back here. They must have heard him coming and crept off. Now Henry Bemis had to be careful, because whoever was here knew where he was.

There was a loud crashing sound from the other side of the library. Henry Bemis raised his potato gun to his shoulder and put his hand on the switch. He stared into the dark library before another lightning flash lit it up and he saw something wobbling down an aisle towards him, groaning.

"What kind of person groans when they are attacking someone?" Henry stepped back and bumped against a wall. He had the potato gun aimed at whoever was coming towards him.

"Brains…brains…!" In another flash of lightning, Henry Bemis saw that the figure was not human. It looked like a human, except it was very pale and covered with bloody gashes and cuts. It was wearing a pair of torn-up pants and a T-Shirt.

"Stay away from me!" Not knowing what to do, Mr. Bemis aimed the potato gun towards the strange person's face and fired. There was a loud bang and a cloud of smoke came out of the barrel and blurred his vision. When it cleared, he saw the figure was spread-eagle on the floor in a pool of blood. Henry stood over the corpse and inspected it. He noticed the head had been knocked several feet backwards and against a bookshelf. A bloody potato was rolling around near the body. "Apparently I blew his head off with this high-velocity potato firing mechanism. But I couldn't really do anything else…" Henry Bemis was interrupted by a strange sound that came from outside.

Henry Bemis jumped over the body and ran to the front door. He opened it slowly and peeked outside. Some lightning flashed and he saw that there were more of these strange beings wandering around in the streets! There must have been hundreds of them. And then about a dozen turned and started walking up the staircase at the front of the library, chanting "Brains…brains…brains…brains" and stretching out their arms in front of them so they looked like they were zombies. Looked like?

"Oh no." Henry turned away and slammed the door shut. He locked it and then strode over to his bed. Setting his potato gun on a nearby table, Henry Bemis managed to grab his bed and drag it over and push it up against the door, forming a barricade. Then he found a couple tables and propped them up against the door. Outside, he could hear the zombified people banging against the door.

"I don't want to be eaten by zombies! I don't even want to be attacked by zombies! Please, somebody, help me!" Henry Bemis ran over and grabbed his potato gun and a sack of potatoes. He pulled out a flashlight and put on his backpack. So this was Henry Bemis, armed with a flashlight and potato gun, wearing a rain poncho and a backpack. Henry sat down on the floor facing the door. He was trapped and alone on a dark, stormy night in a dark library while hordes of zombies attacked the outside. "I guess I'll just wait then. It's not like they can actually get into this library. It's invincible!" A minute later, the door shook violently and the barricade sort of slid apart, with the tables and the bed tumbling everywhere. Then the door started rattling. "Come and get me! Or don't. I don't really care. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't come and get me!"

But something went terribly wrong.

Henry looked up towards the windows, which were located very high up. A minute later, one of them shattered! Henry pointed his gun towards the window that had shattered. Then, the figure of another zombie appeared and started climbing through it.

"No! Not the windows…dang it!" Mr. Bemis raised his potato gun towards the window and reloaded. Then he fired a shot into the torso of the zombie, sending it flying back out of the window. Now the score was Henry Bemis: 2 and the Zombies: 0.

But something went terribly wrong.

Another window shattered! Henry stuffed another potato into his gun and whirled about, facing the window. This time, two zombies were coming through the window at once! Henry fired and one of the zombies' arms came detached and went flying through the air, but they both kept coming. By the time Henry had reloaded again, they had dropped into the library. Henry Bemis shined the flashlight up and down the aisles but he could not see where these two zombies were hiding. Then he heard a sound behind him and turned around to see that the two zombies were fumbling with the door, trying to open it!

"Stop! You don't know what you're doing!" Henry fired off the potato gun and it flew, missing the zombies but blasting a potato-sized hole in the library door. A zombie's hand came through the hole in the door and started trying to grab at Henry, despite the fact that Henry Bemis was several feet away and in no danger of being grabbed. "Oh no. What did I do now?" Mr. Bemis groaned when he saw the hole in the door and quickly reloaded. The zombies were getting closer to opening the door.

"Get away from that door!" Henry shot off the gun again, and this time it flew right into a zombie's lower back, tearing open a big hole in the zombie. The zombie turned around to face Henry Bemis. It started saying the words brains over and over. Henry reloaded and aimed at the zombie. "Punk!" He shot the zombie, again. This time it got hit right in the chest and was sent flying back and against the door. It crumpled to the ground but got right back up. The other zombie said, "BRAINS!" in triumph as it opened up the front door. Immediately, five zombies came pouring into the room.

"No. Not here. Not now!" Henry reloaded and blew an approaching zombie's head off. Then one came up and grabbed him from behind. Before it could eat his brains, though, Henry hit it with the barrel of the potato gun. He jumped back and reloaded. Then he fired and the potato went through three zombies that were all standing in a line.

"Brains!" One zombie pointed towards Mr. Bemis and all the others started walking towards him. Henry bonked one of the attackers on the head with his flashlight and then shot it up into the air with his potato gun. He reloaded.

"Brain this!" Henry took aim at the leader and shot. The potato flew through the air and landed right in the leader zombie's forehead. The zombie's face blew up, as did the rest of the head. The corpse stumbled around for a minute before collapsing onto another zombie. Henry Bemis put in another potato and fired at the zombie the leader had fallen on. This one had part of it's shoulder blown up.

But despite the efforts of Henry Bemis, the zombies kept advancing. Every time one got blown up or had a limb get shot off, another zombie came through the front door. They were slowly advancing on Henry Bemis.

"I need a plan of action. Fast!" Mr. Bemis lowered his gun momentarily and thought. "I know! RETREAT!" Mr. Bemis turned his back to the zombies and ran as fast as he bookworm legs would carry him. He saw the door to the bathroom and opened it. He dove inside and slammed the door shut just as a zombie tried putting his hand in through the doorway. The hand got cut off and fell onto the golden bathroom floor. Henry put his back against the door, bracing it from the zombies who were trying to knock it down and get inside to Mr. Bemis.

"I really need a good plan soon. Anything would work…" Henry shone the flashlight around the room and groaned when he saw there were no escape routes or heavy artillery. "Come on. I've read so many books they must have mentioned something about how to deal with zombies!" Outside, the rest of the library was getting covered with zombies. All of them wanted a chunk of Henry Bemis to eat.

"Wait. I've got an idea!" Henry thought to himself how crazy this plan was. But if it worked it would be awesome, nonetheless. All he needed was something…anything that could be used to uproot a toilet.

Mr. Bemis locked the door to the bathroom and left it for a moment. He found a toilet and grabbed it. Pulling with all his might, Henry lifted the toilet into the air and held it over his head! He turned around just as the door to the bathroom was sent flying off its hinges and the zombies came flooding in. Henry Bemis needed to stop them temporarily so he threw the toilet at the first zombies in the doorway and knocked them over, slowing down the zombie masses.

"Please be what I think you are!" Henry held his breath and dropped down into the hole in the floor that had been created when he ripped the toilet from it's spot.

Fortunately for Mr. Bemis, the hole was wide enough for him and he managed to slide down it and into the sewers! These sewers were going to be his escape route.

"No time to waste!" Henry started running down the length of the sewers, shining his flashlight about and trying to see if he could find an exit. "There has to be an exit somewhere in these sewers. I just hope there aren't any zombies down here…" Henry Bemis thought to himself how bad it would be if he got killed and eaten by zombies in some dark sewage tunnel.

But something went terribly wrong.

Actually, something went terribly right. Henry saw a manhole cover in the ceiling! There was a short metal ladder leading up to it, too!

"Here we go. That was smart of me. Smart. Smart of me. Of course!" Henry slung his potato gun over his shoulder and started climbing up the ladder. When he got to the top he listened but could not here if there were any zombies on the other side. He put one hand on the manhole and pushed. After a bit, the piece of metal popped up and slid out of the way. Henry climbed up into the dark, rainy streets. There weren't any zombies around. He looked down the street and saw that they were all crowding around the library!

"Yes! Now I can escape without being hindered by zombies!" Then Henry Bemis saw it.

Parked in front of a store was a motorcycle. Not just any motorcycle. He could tell it scared all the other motorcycles just from it's looks alone. It was big and black and had green flames down the side. Henry Bemis walked over to the beauty and saw that it was, if not brand new, in spectacular condition. He just couldn't leave it here by itself.

"Come on! We're getting you out of here." Henry sat down on it and put the flashlight in his backpack and he pulled out some duct tape from his backpack and taped the potato gun so it was hanging awkwardly from his pack. Then he put the duct tape away and turned on the motorcycle. Henry Bemis made the motorcycle roar to life. He turned on it's single headlight and pulled out into the street. His new motorcycle was so cool.

"Right. Let's get out of here!" Henry took off towards the edge of Willoughby. "Willoughby is a horrible town! The people here are mean and it isn't even that big, either! I don't like it anymore!" Henry kept speeding along in the rain. He saw, as he came to the edge of town, that the sun was rising. Then he remembered something.

"If I'm the only person still alive…that also means I'm the last motorcycle gang on the planet!" Henry grinned to himself and laughed. He knew how much fun he could have being a one-man motorcycle gang with one badass motorcycle.

Henry Bemis is in for the ride of his life in…

**Chapter 11. Henry Bemis is a One Man Gang**


	11. Henry Bemis is a One Man Gang

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_Henry Bemis is now part of his own motorcycle gang. He has a motorcycle and a potato gun…what would you do?_

**Chapter 11. Henry Bemis is a One Man Gang**

Henry Bemis was pretty darn pleased with his status as a motorcycle gang. He got to ride anywhere he wanted to and do anything he wanted to. Henry's new modus vivendi was a new experience for him. He had never dreamt of being able to ride around on a motorcycle and shoot at inanimate objects with a potato gun.

One day as Henry Bemis was motorcycling down the long dirt road that he had followed to Willoughby when he stopped. Up ahead was the same crossroads he had seen when he had stopped to determine which town he would visit.

"Why…this is the same crossroads where I decided to go to Willoughby! What a mistake that was. I must correct this mistake!" Henry made his motorcycle roar up to the four signposts. "The Frozen Place, Canada. Washington DC, America. Nowhere, USA. Willoughby, USA. Let's see. Nowhere is surrounded by man-eating lizards and Willoughby is full of zombies. That leaves two more places I want to, or probably should, visit." Henry got off his bike and began to think. He could go to The Frozen Place or Washington DC. Of course he could always go somewhere totally different but he figured he'd keep trying all the towns at this crossroads.

"I think…maybe I should go to Washington DC? No. Nothing is at Washington DC, really. That leaves…The Frozen Place!" Henry pulled out his potato gun and shot the sign that read Nowhere, USA. That sign fell over and then he shot the one with Willoughby, USA on it. That, too, got knocked down.

"There we go. I have now marked off all the cities I have visited. Now I will go to The Frozen Place!" Henry jumped onto his motorcycle and roared off, northwards and towards The Frozen Place.

And so many days and nights passed as Henry Bemis traveled to the north. He drove on several unpaved roads and several highways that were littered with damaged cars and debris. He also drove into several ghost towns full of more dead cars and blown up buildings. It was during this time that Henry Bemis finally learned what being the last living person in the world really meant. It was awesome!

Every time he drove into a ghost town he would shoot at windows, trashcans and signposts with his potato gun.

But eventually Henry got to The Frozen Place. And, just like the name said, it was a very frozen place.

The 'place' was actually a small town, just like Willoughby. It was in the middle of a deep valley full of pine trees. There was snow everywhere! It was constantly snowing. Henry checked a thermostat when he got into town and saw that the temperature was –20 degrees Fahrenheit outside.

"Wow. This place really is frozen! It's constantly snowing, the temperature averages –20 degrees and the wind chill is usually in the negatives. Dang this place is cold!" Henry Bemis looked around the town. It looked modern, with gas stations and fast food restaurants and apartments and…bookstores! Henry had forgotten how much he loved reading. He had been caught up in so much excitement with escaping from the lizards and interpreting dreams and going to Willoughby and getting attacked by zombies during a thunderstorm and finding a motorcycle and driving around that he hadn't picked up a book in a long time.

"I'm going to go check out that bookstore!" Henry started driving in the direction of a large half-bookstore, half-café type of building.

But something went terribly wrong.

What Henry Bemis saw made him push on the motorcycle's breaks so hard he almost went flying off it.

At the end of the road he was on was a group of figures. But these were no ordinary figures! They were all standing on electric scooters, holding hockey sticks. Henry pulled up a bit closer and saw that these figures were penguins! Penguins wearing hockey masks and hockey jerseys, holding hockey sticks and riding scooters!

"Penguins? Are you a scooter gang?" Henry looked at the group of penguins. There had to be at least fifteen of them standing there. The leader penguin, which had an eye patch under its hockey mask, rode forward on his little scooter and nodded. Henry saw its jersey had a picture of a penguin holding a hockey stick on it. Beneath this picture were the words "The Only Scooter Gang In The World!"

"Okay. Well I'm Henry Bemis, the only motorcycle gang left in the world!" Henry pointed to his black-and-green motorcycle and his potato gun. The eye-patch penguin seemed unimpressed. Henry saw that it also had a nametag. The nametag said "Pepe" on it. "Pepe? Do you pronounce that like pay-pay?" The penguin with the eye patch nodded. One by one the other penguins came driving forwards on their scooters. Henry got a good look at their nametags. Finally, he knew what each penguin was called. They were: Pepe, Club, Shotgun, Uzi, Machete, Knife, Nail, Grenade, Napalm, Pistol, Cannon, Saw, Sledgehammer, Boulder and Bazooka. They were covered with a myriad of scars and burns and looked like the roughest, toughest group Henry Bemis had ever seen. The one called Nail had several long, rusty nails going through his hockey stick. Saw had sharpened the sides of his stick. Knife had sharpened just the end.

"So Pepe is your captain, then there's Knife, Club, Bazooka, Grenade, Nail, Napalm, Saw, Sledgehammer, Uzi, Machete, Boulder, Shotgun, Pistol and Cannon? Good. I think I got it down.

Then the leader, Pepe, handed Henry Bemis a sheet of paper. Henry read it.

"You are on our turf. The turf of The Only Scooter Gang In The World. If you don't get your sorry punk-ass out of here we will beat you to death and then play hockey, using your head as the puck. Pepe." Henry Bemis looked at the penguins in horror. Pistol raised his hockey stick threateningly.

"Uhh…what if I don't leave? You see I don't really have anywhere to go." Mr. Bemis looked into the eye of Pepe, the leader. He wondered how something so cute and cuddly could be so malevolent and bloodthirsty. Then Pepe handed him another piece of paper. "Prepare-to-die. That sounds awfully harsh, don't you think?" Mr. Bemis looked up and saw the penguins jumping on theirs scooters! One of them, Saw, came puttering towards Henry, swinging his sharpened hockey stick over his head.

"Can't we all just get along? I just want to go to a bookstore!" Henry Bemis knew that there was no getting out of this. He pulled out his potato gun and stuck a potato in it. Then he drove off, moments before Saw could hit him with a hockey stick.

Not knowing where to go, Henry Bemis sped off away from the scooter gang.

But something went terribly wrong.

One of the penguins, Uzi, managed to speed up on his scooter and was now neck and neck with Henry! Uzi raised his hockey stick and hit Henry Bemis over the head with it.

"Ouch! Stop that!" Henry Bemis slowed down and Uzi sped past him. Henry stopped momentarily and raised his potato gun. _Bang! _Just as Uzi turned around on his scooter, Mr. Bemis fired off his potato gun and the potato went flying and hit Uzi right in the face, sending his hockey mask flying. Uzi cried out in pain and Henry Bemis reloaded with another potato. "Come on…!" Henry aimed the gun at Uzi again.

But something went terribly wrong.

Before Henry Bemis could fire, Knife and Saw sped up behind him and started swiping at him with their hockey sticks! Henry hit Knife with the barrel of the potato gun, and then kicked Saw, who fell off of his scooter.

"That's it. You shouldn't have messed with Henry Bemis!" Henry took aim with his potato gun and fired. The potato went soaring through the cold, snowy air and hit Knife in the back. Knife fell forward on his scooter and went spinning out of control! Henry watched as Knife and his scooter went zooming forwards for a couple yards before driving straight into a ditch and crashing. Henry turned around again and saw that Saw was running towards him, waving his hockey stick. Henry drove off, spraying slush and snow into the penguin's face. Once he was a good ways down the road, Henry Bemis turned back and looked for any of the penguins. "Where is everybody?" He couldn't see any penguins behind him. Had he scared them off? "I guess this was too much Henry Bemis for them to handle!" Henry Bemis laughed to himself and turned around, but what he saw made him stop laughing.

At the end of the road that Henry Bemis and his motorcycle were on, the entire gang of penguins was lined up. Knife and Saw had new scooters.

"Well. What do you know, I DIDN'T scare them off!" Mr. Bemis took aim at Pepe with the potato gun. He could squeeze off one shot and take down their gang leader. "If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to start firing!" Henry yelled. The penguins didn't listen. Instead, all of them started driving down the road towards Henry on their scooters. "Fine. You don't want to listen. That's cool!" Henry shot the potato gun. The potato arched through the air and began to fall back down towards the ground. It fell and smacked Pepe right on the top of his head! Pepe fell backwards off his scooter and the other penguins stopped to make sure he was okay. As they were doing this, Henry Bemis reloaded his gun and started motorcycling towards the penguin scooter gang. As he drove by them, he unloaded three potatoes into their midst. Pepe got knocked down again, so did Boulder and Bazooka.

But something went terribly wrong.

Machete grabbed his hockey stick and threw it like a boomerang towards Henry Bemis! It spun through the air and hit the back of Henry's neck.

"Ow! No!" Henry fell forward and the motorcycle started wobbling back and forth. He sat back up and straightened it out. Henry Bemis looked behind him and saw the penguins were already after him again. "I know what I'll do…" Henry slowed down and stopped the motorcycle right in front of a fireworks store. He reloaded and took aim at the penguins. They were getting really close, and he had to execute this perfectly if it would work. He had read a scene like this in a book a while ago. The hero had been standing right in front of a fireworks store and a motorcycle gang was driving towards him, and then he…Henry knew what he did.

"Man…those scooters sure go fast!" Henry fired off his potato gun and hit Sledgehammer. He kept reloading and kept firing. Soon, the entire gang was swerving everywhere in the flurry of potatoes. Henry knelt down and pulled out another homemade Bemis cocktail he had kept since his encounter with the lizards. Hopefully this would work like he wanted to. But what if it didn't?

Henry put his backpack on and hopped on his motorcycle, holding and firing his potato gun in one hand and holding the Bemis cocktail in the other. The penguins were still swerving around and getting pelted by potatoes. They were only a couple yards when Henry threw the cocktail at the ground near his feet and took off with his motorcycle. He sped to the side of the road and stopped. Then he got off his motorcycle and watched the amazing spectacle that was about to unfold.

One by one, the penguins drove right into the fiery spot that had been created on the road where Henry Bemis had thrown the Bemis cocktail. Their scooters and jerseys caught fire, and they started driving around and burning. Machete, Knife, Saw, Napalm and Pistol drove forwards and right into the fireworks store, not knowing where they were going! There were a couple seconds where nothing happened. There was nothing from inside the store. Then the entire place stared going off like a fireworks display.

There was an explosion and several long tails of colored light shot out of the fireworks store. Then sparks, flames and lights came shooting out of the front door. Finally, the entire roof got shot into the air in a big old explosion of fireworks. Firecrackers, rockets and everything else was going off all at once!

The penguins that were on fire didn't see this, but they eventually got extinguished in the snow and managed to scooter off towards the center of the city. Henry had taken down five of the fifteen thugs with one well-planned move. The score was Henry Bemis: 5, Penguins: 0.

"Yeah. I told you…you shouldn't mess with the Henry Bemis!" Mr. Bemis waved his gun towards the retreating penguins. He squeezed off a couple warning shots that went over their heads.

But something went terribly wrong.

Several days later, as Mr. Bemis was exploring the small, snowy town he came across the remnants of the penguin gang. There was still Pepe, Sledgehammer, Cannon, Club, Uzi, Boulder, Bazooka, Grenade, Nail and Shotgun. Henry found them one day when he was driving down an alleyway between two department stores. He was just driving down this long, twisting alleyway and all of a sudden these ten penguins dropped down out of nowhere and started beating him with their hockey sticks!

"Oh no! Not again! Why don't you…just…go…away?" Henry hit Sledgehammer with his backpack and then started retreating back towards the beginning of the alley. Along the way, Bazooka grabbed onto the front of the motorcycle and started trying to get at Henry Bemis. Mr. Bemis stopped the motorcycle and Bazooka fell off. He stood back up and looked at Henry Bemis. "Alright, we'll do things your way!" Henry accelerated on the motorcycle right towards Bazooka. Then he hit him with a thud and sent the poor penguin flying into the air. Bazooka fell back down and Henry ran him over with the motorcycle! There was a bit of a squishing sound as the penguin got run over, but Henry Bemis didn't pay attention to it. Now it was Henry Bemis: 6, Penguins: 0.

"Now what?" Henry drove out and was once again in The Frozen Place's streets. This town wasn't that great. He looked behind him and saw the penguins were once again on their scooters, emerging from the alley. "You guys just won't give up, will you?" Henry shot Sledgehammer with his potato gun, then drove off away from the penguins.

"I need to get out of here! This stupid scooter gang won't give up until I'm chased out of town!" Henry started driving towards the edge of town. He had to get out of this place!

Henry Bemis is in for the ride of his life in…

**Chapter 12. Henry Bemis in Bat Country**


	12. Henry Bemis in Bat Country

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_Here is Henry Bemis and Bat Country. Remember to be here tomorrow, same Bemis time, same Bemis channel._

**Chapter 12. Henry Bemis in Bat Country**

Henry Bemis was fed up with The Frozen Place. He knew that much at least. Now, as he was driving towards the edge of town, he wondered where he would go. Anywhere would be better than The Frozen Place. Now Henry Bemis knew why he had never heard of this little snowy town in the middle of the Canadian forests!

But something went terribly wrong.

As Henry reached the highway leading out of town, he saw that up ahead someone had laid those little spikes that slash up your tires on the road! Standing next to this roadblock were the remaining penguins in the scooter gang.

"Oh no! Not now!" Henry's motorcycle ran over the spikes and its tires got cut up and flattened. The motorcycle started skidding down the road, sparks flying from all around it. "Here we go! Please…I don't want to die!" Henry Bemis took a leap of faith and jumped off his motorcycle. All he remembered was flying through the air, and sparks, and the sound of branches being snapped, and then everything went black. The score was Henry Bemis: 6, Penguins: 1.

When Mr. Bemis woke up, he was lying in a dry riverbed at the base of a hill. He had been scratched up and his clothes were torn. All around him were the big snowy trees of the Canadian wilderness.

"Hello?" Nobody responded. Of course they wouldn't respond…Henry Bemis was the only person there! "Where am I?" Henry Bemis felt his face and was relieved that his glasses were still in one piece.

Mr. Bemis got up and stretched. "Okay. My glasses are in one piece and I'm not too badly beaten up. But my backpack is gone! So is my poor motorcycle! Aside from that, though, everything is good."

But something went terribly wrong.

Henry Bemis realized he was lost, again. This was the second time he was lost in a forest since he had left Nowhere! "Oh great, what will I do now?" Henry looked around. Everything in this big forest looked the same. "I guess I'll have to try to find my way out of this big, snowy place!" With that, Henry Bemis sat off into the wilderness.

After many hours of wandering, Henry Bemis realized he was still lost and he was starting to lose hope. "This is all hopeless! I'm going to die out here!" Henry collapsed onto the ground in despair.

But something went terribly wrong.

As Henry Bemis sat on the ground in a lethargic despair, a swarm of giant bats came out of nowhere and they started to fly at him and attack him!

"Bats? Why bats?" Henry jumped up and started to run away from the bats, but they kept following him. After several minutes of running, Henry Bemis was so tired he couldn't run anymore and stopped and gave up. The bats started biting at him and Henry Bemis fell to the ground. He didn't want to die in this snowy land, but he couldn't keep going.

Then, a second later, something very strange happened.

Henry Bemis is going to find something very interesting in…

**Chapter 13. Henry Bemis Discovers the Missing Link**


	13. Henry Bemis Discovers the Missing Link

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_Or does he?_

**Chapter 13. Henry Bemis Discovers the Missing Link**

Henry Bemis, a charter member in the fraternity of dreamers, was being attacked by bats in Bat Country. He had been run off the road by the remnants of the only scooter gang in the world, and now a vicious swarm of bats were trying to kill him.

But something went terribly wrong…for the bats.

Out of nowhere, a huge boulder flew out of the midst of the trees. It flew into the swarm of bats, crushing most of them. The remaining winged mammals dispersed and flew away into the sky.

"What was that about?" Henry Bemis stood up and looked at the dead bats and the huge boulder. Then he heard a sound like branches being snapped, and he looked behind him. Standing behind Henry Bemis was a monster!

The monster had to be at least seven feet tall. It was very fat, too. Stringy gray hair covered the entire creature. Henry could not see the face, because it was also covered in fur. The creature waved at Henry Bemis and said, "Hi. I'm Bigfoot and I've been watching you." Henry, too stunned to know what he was doing, waved back.

"I'm Henry Bemis. Thanks for saving me, but…"

"What?" Bigfoot interrupted.

"Well, I didn't think you existed." Henry said. "I mean, I thought you were just a legend, myth, urban legend, rumor, hoax, idea, cultural icon, ghost story, story, etc…"

Bigfoot groaned. "Oh. Yeah. Not many people have ever seen me. Most of the time, when some hiker or hunter or wandering person sees me I can retreat before they get a couple pictures."

"Are you the only Bigfoot who's still alive?" Mr. Bemis asked.

"Sadly, yes. You see, we Bigfoots have existed for a long time. The SWF, PGF, MDF and a lot of other stuff can prove it. Basically, we exist, but humans, despite the multitude of audio recordings, photos, videos, supposed hair samples and encounters, don't believe in us. Except now almost all the humans have been killed off, and almost all the Bigfoots have been killed off. I'm pretty sure we're the only two people left in the world."

"Wow. What were those bats?" At the mention of the word 'bats', Bigfoot shuddered.

"Those are Batsquatches. They're nasty little boogers. Usually they hang out by Mt. Saint Helens but they've migrated up here to Canada after the self-extermination of mankind."

"What are you going to do now that you're alone in the world?" Henry asked it.

"Oh, I'll probably hop in my flying saucer and go up to my moon base. I'll eat moon potatoes, play with my pet dog, watch Intergalactic TV." So Bigfoot had a moon base.

"Awesome! I'll have to come up and visit some time." As Mr. Bemis and Mr. Bigfoot talked, both of them were alert, so if any more Batsquatches appeared they wouldn't be taken by surprise.

But something went terribly wrong.

As they talked about the moon, dogs and bats, several creatures appeared near the edge of the trees nearby.

It was Pepe, Sledgehammer, Cannon, Club, Uzi, Boulder, Grenade, Nail and Shotgun, the nine remaining penguins!

It was the scooter gang!

Henry Bemis is going to be handing out some punishment in…

**Chapter 14. Henry Bemis Layeth the Smackdown Upon Ye**


	14. Henry Bemis Layeth the Smackdown Upon Ye

**The Adventures of Henry Bemis**

**Or The Whale**

_Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me._

**Chapter 14. Henry Bemis Layeth the Smackdown Upon Ye**

Before Henry could react, two of the penguins, Club and Boulder, jumped on him. Both of them began to hammer at Henry Bemis' head with their hockey sticks. Meanwhile, the other penguins swarmed Bigfoot.

"These penguins have been trying to kill me since I visited The Frozen Place!" Mr. Bemis yelled as he threw Club off of him. He picked up the penguin's hockey stick and began to duel with Boulder.

"Really? I wouldn't have guessed that!" Bigfoot raised his, uh, big foot and began to stomp on the leader, Pepe. He picked up Nail and threw him onto Club.

Henry Bemis was still hockey stick-dueling with Boulder. The two wooden sticks clashed and banged against each other, sending sparks flying. Henry parried a stab from Boulder and then thrust forward with his own hockey stick.

A couple feet away from him, Bigfoot was throwing around the penguins like rag dolls. He grabbed Nail, who had gotten up after being thrown on top of Club, and started squeezing the poor penguin until it exploded! Yes, bits of Nail went everywhere. The score was Henry Bemis: 6, Penguins: 1 and now Bigfoot: 1. Seconds later, Bigfoot did the same thing with Grenade, squeezing him until he popped. Bigfoot: 2.

"Help!" Henry Bemis had been knocked to the ground, and now Club and Boulder were beating on him with their hockey sticks.

But something went terribly wrong.

Seconds later there was a loud, screeching noise and the swarm of Batsquatches flew into the scene! They began to gnaw at the penguins. Mr. Bemis, Club and Boulder were surrounded by a group of the big bats, and by the time they cleared, all that was left of Club and Boulder was a pile of bones and two hockey sticks. Henry Bemis: 6, Penguins: 1, Bigfoot: 2, Bats: 2. Then Bigfoot stepped on Pepe and there was a crunching sound. When he stepped off of the gang leader, all that was left were some broken bones and a bit of blood and mangled penguin flesh. Bigfoot: 3.

"Wow, those Batsquatches helped!" Henry shouted as he dual-wielded hockey sticks that he had picked up from the corpses of Boulder and Club. He began to viciously swipe and stab at Uzi while Bigfoot juggled Shotgun, Sledgehammer and Cannon in the air.

"These penguins aren't that tough once they're almost all dead." Bigfoot remarked as he threw Sledgehammer into a tree. The little penguin fell to the ground and didn't move. Bigfoot: 4.

Elsweyr (sic), Henry Bemis managed to get the better of Uzi. After a minute of vicious fighting, Henry Bemis defeated the penguin by doing the unthinkable.

That's all I have to say about that. Now, as it all drew to a close, the score was Henry Bemis: 7, Bigfoot: 4, Penguins: 1, Bats: 4. Then the Batsquatches flew in again and picked up Shotgun and Cannon. They flew away, carrying the two remaining penguins with them. Now it was Bats: 4.

Out of nowhere, some voice began to talk. "Let's check the final score. In last place are the penguins, all of whom are dead or captured by bats! They only have one point! Tied for second place are Bigfoot and the Batsquatches! Both teams have four points! Finally, in first place, is Henry Bemis with an amazing seven points! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Mr. Bemis to receive his prize. Tell me, Mr. Bemis, do you want what's behind door number one or door number two?" Two doors appeared out of thin air.

"Uh…one." Henry and Bigfoot watched as the door swung open to reveal. "A toaster?" Henry asked. "What kind of prize is that? A toaster?"

What? Henry Bemis, of course…and a toaster! Whatev. Just read it in…

**Chapter 15. Henry Bemis and the Teleporting Toaster**


End file.
